She walked in to where I was today with tears in her eyes. She held her arms out and asked for me to hold her. "What's wrong?" I asked. Quietly she responded, "I can't find pictures of me when I was a baby." What? Of course there are pictures of her when she was a baby and she has seen them over and over. I reminded her of all the pictures of her in the albums and in frames, but she just shook her head. "Not like Sissy's!" she said. Then the reality of what she was saying dawned on me! She is right. Kaitlyn's pictures start when she was several months younger, and her baby pictures start when she is 6 to 9 months old. 3 referral pictures where she is sitting on a table looking like she is wondering what in the world is happening to her. My heart broke for her!
I understand how she feels! The lost past is a haunting thing at times in the lives of adopted children. I remember nothing from those 16 days in a home waiting to be adopted, yet when I went back, there were certain emotions that flooded me! My biggest emotion was not curiosity, but of fear! I have read where emotions are real even to newborns. I can only imagine how she must feel!
We went and looked at the Gotcha Day pictures and her referral pictures. We talked about how she was a baby when Mommy and Daddy came and got her. She said she wished she could be a little baby again and I could hold her and feed her a bottle. We snuggled for quite awhile just talking about her when she was a baby.
For now her fears and questions are gone. She was happy and bouncy all evening, and the cares of the day forgotten. Yet I know that sometime we will visit these same emotions again! The lost past is hard to forget!
6 comments:
aww hugs Kayla! I can't imagine how hard that was for Mama or her! How old is she? I have wondered how Noah will react and feel later in life about his adoption. We are very blessed to have pictures from 4 days old and up. Not a ton but at least a couple most months.
blessings,
Tami
Noah's mama
www.tillGodbringsthemhome.blogspot.com
Kayla, it is such a very hard thing isn't it?
Two of our children were only 4 months old when they came home. We have pictures of them at a few weeks old and while they were with their foster families. Treasures of their first few months.
Three of them were much older. We have no photos of them as babies. The oldest of our sib group tells us stories, but they are fading from her memory as time passes and soon I am afraid that they will be mere impressions and not clear pictures at all. It is so sad for them and sad for us.
This post ripped my heart out!!! I cried!!! Bless her little heart. Give her a hug from me! I've had so many concerns about this same issue with Otoniel! Lots and lots of hugs to her!
Felicia
OK... tears this morning... bless her heart. You handled it so well. You're such a great mom... God has definitely equipped you for this special task and He will always give you the words of comfort your children need.
OH! Like a knife in my heart! Abigail also comes to me at times with questions about her birth father. Only God can heal but mommy's are sure good at loving away the pain!
Thank you for sharing that. I can only imagine how hard it must be to assure them that they are so loved even without those tangible photos.
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